My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
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Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans