At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
😂😂
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”