@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@kelkulus: The coolest part of the bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
@bornmiserable: "I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and - oh sorry, wrong number." - Liam Neeson in Mistaken