@thepatrickwalsh: My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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@ojedge: [puts puppy in microwave] [googles instructions for making hotdogs] [quickly releases puppy from microwave]
@SteveSuckington: "Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening." - How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
@Storminika: Good things about drinking on the plane: 1. You don't have to drive. 2. No matter how much you drink, they can't throw you out.
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us