My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
#dalle2
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.