My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
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My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.