@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
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@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Are those Chinos? Me: No. These are my pants. Coworker... Me: Who steals pants?
@DonKinderknecht: I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. :-(
@KalvinMacleod: HER: I’m leaving you ME: Is it because I’m too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
@jwoodham: DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C'mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.