My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
an airline just for babies.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.