@hello_saylor: My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: "I enjoy receiving a paycheck."
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@Owl_Meat: [In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle
@Sickayduh: I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won't last long and we all know it
@SirEviscerate: "Since you both claim to be this infant's mother, we'll cut the baby in half." OK. Sounds reasonable. "Y...uh, alright then. Let's do this."
@gitson_shiggles: If people on Twitter found a horses' head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops.....