My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Netflix and scream at our children?!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.