@Aspersioncast: My daily horoscope says I just lost all of my decent followers by posting my daily horoscope on Twitter.
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@online_shawn: Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
@froghammer: People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"
@pbear79: A woman with questionable hygiene, no teeth, and an eye patch asked me if I was looking for a date.. Long story short, picking her up at 7.