JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.