@DaveWeasel: My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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@deedragonhunter: Beer: When are you coming home. Me: Right away honey. See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
@Home_Halfway: Anyone ever notice how the word "opinion" looks like "onion", and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
@KeetPotato: cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"