My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
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i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.