my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
When you’re Kinky but poor
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no