My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”