My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
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I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Body by cheese-puffs.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
How animals would run if they were human
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
and now we wait
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.