[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A sick whale is called an unwhale
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail