Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I just ran a .003048K
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Worlds greatest photobomb
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer