my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Monday Lisa
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.