@IamEnidColeslaw: my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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@SouthernStylin1: 9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she's so cute and at her dad's I went with all of it!
@SamGrittner: When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.
@theshamingofjay: No thanks World Cup, if I wanted to watch a bunch of guys unsuccessfully try to score I'll just stay on Twitter.