my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
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Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Succinctly put.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
😂 amazing answer
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances