My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Nice try Hitler
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.