*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
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*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.