Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
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Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.