My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
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My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.