@FirstDateStory: "My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, "You're the third one this week"
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@zachv86: *speaks at high school graduation* Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.
@ColoChiver: If I had to guess where everything went wrong, I'd have to say it was the day I learned "elemenopee" wasn't one awesome letter.
@internetluke: [i fall down the stairs & break my back] Me: Siri, call me 911 Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on Me: haha nice Siri: thanks 911
@AimeeHelene1: It's just a flesh wound... *looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with* *looks at bystander I just chop chopped*