Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout