@FirstDateStory: "My date took me to a nice restaurant. Our server leaned in to me and said, "You're the third one this week"
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@Jennuflect: [me as a DJ] Where my single ladies at? *drunk responses* This one's for you *turns off music, serious tone* This is a bad place to meet men
@aveuaskew: My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
@Dr_powpow: Like every good global citizen I've reduced my power consumption by 50% by running all my power off the neighbours while they're on vacation
@EndhooS: *Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!