If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
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*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
courtroom exchange of the day
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Green is just blue that someone peed in
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying