Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.