My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?