My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
You Might Also Like
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
These are too funny not to post 😂
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.