My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
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Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.