My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
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Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.