My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
This could be us… but you playing
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
next level snooze
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony