My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.