My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
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i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.