@KermitSnitchs: "My daughter ain't dating no black lab"
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@Mr_Kapowski: "Get your poop in a group" is a childish way of saying "get your shit together" but I prefer my take of "gather the pieces of your feces"
@1BigMick: When I drop my son off at school I do one arm pushups at the entrance to let the other dads know that's what's up. But they're all at work.
@Ygrene: Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant Me: *not sweating* Cop: well shit I don't know how to read this
@Thing_Finder: I hate when I can't remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I'm like a minesweeper in the mornings.