@IamEnidColeslaw: There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he: A. a ghost hunter B. a virgin C. a sword collector D. all of the above

@T_Bonezzz_: "Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!" - Me, camping

@mooodles: 'My train was late' should be enough excuse to take the day off. Bosses please note.

@Mr_Kapowski: Me: Hello Teacher: Hello M: How's my kid doing in school? T: How's my kid doing in school? I hate parrot teacher conferences

@hippieswordfish: CARTOON VILLAIN: how did you know it was me who robbed the bank COP: you were literally carrying around giant bags with dollar signs on them