@just1fool: My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."
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@aka_fatman: Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping? Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
@lisaxy424: My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don't even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
@scorpicpanda: When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it's time to lay off the hard stuff.
@OrangeFact: [Court] ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA? BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*