@just1fool: My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."
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@ArfMeasures: HER: Does your dog do any tricks? ME: I taught him to lie on the bed H: That's not impressive lol DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
@TheTweetOfGod: 'Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
@novicefather: One bad mushroom trip in high school and here I am 15 years later still sexually attracted to Rosie O'Donnell.