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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”