@just1fool: My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."
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@AlmightyBored: Back off. I've got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
@lazerdoov: Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@david8hughes: Mechanic: that's gonna cost $2000 Me: how much? Mechanic: $3000 Me: what did you say before that Mechanic: I said "that's gonna cost"