i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
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*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.