My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
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I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
everyone’s a critic
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.