People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”