@4boding: My daughter asked me to help her find a job because she’s learned enough in school. She’s 5.
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@bourgeoisalien: If I was the editor of Vogue, I'd just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, "Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty."
@TheMichaelRock: boss: are you high? me: no, i'm on dayquil boss: dayquil doesn't do that me: must be the cocaine then
@rotten_mama: Parenting 101 8: I'm worried dolphins will be become endangered. Me: Every time you don't clean your room a dolphin dies.
@timdonakowski: Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.