Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
August 8
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.