My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
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Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston