guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest