[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges