my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
What’s a Messi?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was