My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
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I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.