@ValeeGrrl: My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream "three-way" ice cream & I'm not sure I'll correct her cuz I'm a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Reasons I put my kids to bed on time: 3) They need their rest. 2) Routine is important. 1) "Game of Thrones" is on.
@dril: i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8x10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
@KyleMcDowell86: If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad's house
@joejwest: COP: Who lives in a pineapple under the sea SUSPECT: Is it bring your kid to work day? LITTLE GIRL: [slams fist on desk] Answer the question