My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Mornin
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m so full I could puke a horse
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines