My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
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Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Genius idea!!
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
So creative 😂
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK