My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.