My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
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*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.