It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
new wife guy just dropped
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
No, YOUR illiterate.
smartest karate player in the world
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline