My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Sunday
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy