My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.